It’s coming up on the holidays, so naturally the New York Post and other rags are finding every story they can to bolster their case that godless hippie Communists are trying to destroy the fabric of America. It’s typically Christmas, but that’ll happen later. Right now, they’re going on about the War On Thanksgiving.
ALTERNATE TITLE: “Wherein Logan Gets Progressively More Annoyed About This Story”
And no, there isn’t one. The Post brings up the outrage over Victoria’s Secret outfit that puts a super sexy, ridiculously white girl in “traditional” Indian garb. (And no, they are not Native Americans. Indians by a majority call themselves Indians/American Indians, unless they’re bored and want to make white people nervous.)
PETA put up posters asking kids that if they wouldn’t eat their dogs, why eat a turkey? Again, “the lamestream media” is attacking our Christian holidays. Just because someone’s calling out into the void doesn’t mean people are listening.
In fact, many of these “hippies” are busy fighting for Thanksgiving. As major retail chains are having their Black Friday hours begin on Thanksgiving Night, the employees are grouping together to fight back. Walmart workers are planning to strike over their opening on 8pm Thanksgiving Day. None, or at least, no significant numbers of people, are calling for the end of Black Friday.
The actual content of Thanksgiving was by and large poorly documented. Plenty of different Thanksgivings were going on among those who came to the New World. Indians may have been celebrated in one with the Pilgrims, but in another in New England, their heads were kicked around like soccer balls after colonists finished a raid on one of their settlements.
But Indian families celebrate Thanksgiving, so it’s totally cool, right? There were an estimated 12 million American Indians in 1500. That number was less than half a million in 1900. So, no.
Let’s acknowledge a few things: 1) Europeans/Americans totally laid waste to the Indian population across the continent. 2) Your Thanksgiving traditions are manufactured, and even if they aren’t, see #1 and tell me that “makes up for it.” 3) Thanksgiving doesn’t need those stupid ass traditions.
You know what you need for Thanksgiving?
That’s it. Keep the turkey population up, ignore PETA, and make awkward conversations with the people you love and drink a little to make it less awkward. And if you don’t know how to carve a turkey — see the video above and get to work.
And quit putting Indian headdresses on white people. It’s not a War On Thanksgiving, it’s a War On Being Stupid. Deal with reality. Eat your damn turkey. Quit acting like a victim whenever someone gets annoyed by you ignoring a genocide. Acknowledge it happened, it was a terrible part of our country’s history, perhaps there’s something we can do re: reservations and what not, give your noncommittal platitudes and move on.
Mourn or don’t. Celebrate or don’t. But seriously: Get over yourselves. Facts are facts. And learn how to carve a turkey up top.
Question: Also, you need stuffing. I guess you could claim that as optional, but you would be a heathen, wouldn’t you?